Patience is a virtue...

... I, admittedly, do not possess. The blog has been quiet over the last month, and so, unfortunately, has my email inbox when it comes to our adoption. We were told our file would be submitted to court on the 21st of May, and that we should expect a court decree in 3-4 weeks. After our decree, we would be in our 30 day waiting period - the final step to JN becoming an official Parker.

Of course, the day of June 11th (exactly 3 weeks after our file was submitted to court in Lubumbashi), I began checking my email obsessively throughout the day (and night - I've received a few late night emails from our caseworker, so I couldn't rule out hearing from her only during business hours... and by the way, I know this sounds obsessive... it's because it is obsessive! Refer back to the title of this post.) 

At the end of June (with no "new" news), we were told that our caseworker would actually be visiting our child in Lubumbashi. While there, she expected to get photos and updates on all of the children. I also thought we would get a very clear update as to where we were in the adoption process, as, presumably, our caseworker would be talking directly with the lawyer about our case and the other cases pending within our agency.

I checked blogs and Facebook each day, seeing new, lovely pictures and personality updates about many of our agency's referred kids. I was so excited for every family that got an update, but each day that *our* update didn't come, I had more and more feelings of dread. I started to think that maybe they forgot that we were adopting JN and didn't meet with him (irrational), that there was some sort of bad news about him or our case that they couldn't share over email (possible), or that there was no news about our case and we were still in a holding pattern (probably pretty realistic).

After waiting a full ten days after the first family had received their updates, I finally broke and called our agency. After a few days, a very nice office manager there was able to report that, yes, there was an update and new photos pending, but that I wouldn't get them until next (this) week.

A part of me was grateful just to hear something about our son. And to know that, eventually, we would receive an update like the other families from our agency. But another part of me was (and still is) very disappointed that, somewhere across the country, pictures and critical information exist about my (to-be) child and I have no control or no recourse to get them. I'm completely at the mercy of another person's (obviously and understandably) busy schedule. There is an email pending that could potentially change my life (not to be dramatic, but we could possibly, officially have a son across the ocean and not know about it) that could come at any time. This is not a good place to be in. The anxiety, the not-knowing, the fear of the unknown, and the excitement of the possibilities all combine to make me a constant bundle of nerves. 

And honestly, I feel I've done pretty well with the wait until this point. I've been able to compartmentalize my emotions and anxiety, so I could live my life each day without constantly wondering. But now to know that we are so close to such a major milestone (and to know that beautiful pictures of our future son exist), I cannot help but think of JN and the adoption pretty much constantly.

I know, in the end, all the anxiousness and waiting will be worth it. Soon these feelings will be a distant memory. I know all that logically, but unfortunately, it's not helping me much right now.

Also, I'm writing this post in lieu of emailing or calling my agency *again*. It's working for now, but who knows how I'll feel as business hours wind down for yet another day in which I know nothing more. 

Thinking of all the families out there in the same position (and, to be fair, my agency didn't give every family updates - it seems like it was about half of waiting families, so there are many others feeling exactly the same as I do now), and I am sincerely hoping we hear something soon.

- Patience is the art of hoping.

Luc de Clapiers